


The Batfam Can't Seem To Stay Normal

by llamasonasurfboard



Category: Batman (Comics), DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: And i have a bad habit of doing this in tags, And that makes it even better, Because batfam yoo, Because there's no crime to fight, But not actually on a holiday, But they're like on a holiday, Damian is my fave robin fite me, Don't wanna lead anyone on, I just really love the robins, It's just weird okay, Like nothing serious, Only tagging the important ones, Or parody, Sorry Stephanie, This is honestly so weird, This was created at 4 am spare me, Why Did I Write This?, sorta crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-12 04:58:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11729973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/llamasonasurfboard/pseuds/llamasonasurfboard
Summary: If there ever was a normal family, the Wayne family was not one of them. No really, the coolest person in the family is a butler, who's not even a part of the family.Here is a bunch of weird scenes revolving around the Batfam (mainly the four Robins, I love them lots) that I come up with probably late at night. Nothing really makes sense, and that's what I love about it.The pure and utter confusion.





	1. A Hot Summer Day Leads To The Russian Revolution (NOT CLICKBAIT)

**Author's Note:**

> I am switching fandoms too fast shit
> 
> Characters are rather OOC, of course, because it is not supposed to be serious in any sort of way. Really this is probably not how I would depict them in a serious story... just kind of.

The wind was blowing lightly outside the house, a few select leaves falling from the big birch and oak trees. The sun was shining brightly, casting prominent shadows over the garden and the boys sitting outside in it. Speaking of the boys; one of them were lying in a beach chair in a star position. He looked utterly ridiculous in his blue speedos with a small, golden star on the side, but none of the others were to blame him. It was hot outside - really hot.

“I am dying,” a low groan left one of the boy’s, Jason, lips where he sat under a parasol that was casting a shadow on his half naked body. At first he had insisted that he was to be allowed to sit in the grass butt naked, but then his brothers at protested against it, exclaiming that they didn’t want to see more of him than what they already had. Besides, if Alfred would happen to stroll by - which was a much bigger chance than what Jason apparently thought - he would immediately scold the young man.

The other three boys all groaned something I unison, neither of them feeling like giving him a proper answer. Tim, the second youngest of the bunch, was sitting in a kid sized pool with a pair of shades on his nose. There was a parasol over him as well, not wanting to turn red like a tomato, which he probably was gonna end up turning into anyways. He had a tendency of getting badly sunburnt during the summer. His skin would never achieve the olive perfection his younger brother had naturally. 

That younger brother was seemingly not out to tan his already flawless skin however, as he sat huddled up in an oversized, green hoodie in the grass. If you would have thrown a quick glance in his direction you would have been fooled to imagine that he wasn’t wearing any sort of pants, but because of the hoodie’s size - the kid had a hard time finding clothes his size while also maintaining his pride, a lot of times resulting in oversized artifacts - his shorts could go undetected. They were what most people would call typical girl shorts, but Damian took pride in them, stating that he loved to go against the gender stereotypes by wearing those kind of shorts and knee high boots. He had a different taste, and his brothers couldn’t help but to laugh a little at his take on clothes. They couldn’t blame him however, especially not Dick and Jason, their Robin outfits were a little on the odd side as well.

“Didn’t I tell you I was dying?” Jason stated again, this time falling down in the grass on his back, imitating the star position that his brother Dick was lying in. It looked highly uncomfortable, and Jason was sure that he was going to have red marks on his body afterwards, but he didn’t want to spoil the fun in seeing Dick distress over it, so he kept shut. Dick was rather the diva when it came to his looks at certain times, and summer was the perfect opportunity to show off.

“We heard you the first time,” was all Tim commented lowly as he slowly started to slide down into the water, welcoming the now lukewarm water to soak his whole body. “And the reason as to why neither of us are saying anything other than “mhm" is because there is literally nothing more to add to that, we are all dying. Not only because millions of cells die each minute, a part of us and effectively meaning a part of us has died, but because of the intense heat currently hitting us. It is truly dreadful.”

“Not entirely sure if you’re being a snarky kid right now or not,” Jason said in a warning voice and sat up again, glaring over to the younger boy. “But all I can say is that I ain’t liking it, so knock it the fuck off.” He laid down in the grass again, letting a loud and very audible sigh leave his lips. When no one reacted to his desperate need for attention, he sighed again, this time louder.

Now he did gain the attention in the form of Dick Grayson, who opened up an eye to look at him. “Then why don’t you go do something productive?” he proposed as he saw Jason’s bored face expression and need for entertainment. “I’m sure that Titus or someone would love to play fetch of the like-"

“He shall not touch Titus,” Damian suddenly cut him off where he was sitting with a book in his face, earning the attention of the two older men. “Titus does not enjoy whenever Todd is around him, his simple presence makes Titus nervous. He also seems to trigger something within him as a lot of times when Todd tries to interact with him, Titus will glare his teeth at him and stand in a very strict and still position.”

“What have you done to make Titus respect you so little?” Dick asked humorously and grinned widely, getting Jason to roll his eyes and flip him off.

He didn’t get answer however as Damian was quick to answer himself. The kid was ready to defend his pets at any given time. “Time and time again has Todd showed disrespect towards me, calling me names that clearly upsets me, picking me the fuck up and various other actions that make me give him a natural negative response. Thus this I believe that Titus has picked up that I mostly give out negative emotions whenever Todd is around, and may see him as a threat.”

“You’re not talking to anyone outside of the family, Damian,” Tim said from his little kiddie pool where he now was lying down on his back, knees bend as his body didn’t fit at all in the small pool. “Stop with your fancy language and become the small teen that you are, embrace your youth while you still can.”

“Don’t encourage him, for God’s sake,” Jason said, earning a scowl from Damian, who finally lifted his face from the book he was reading. “I mean the little stick is already enough to take on, and if you make him into some sort of rebelling teenager I’ll have to use both hands when I’m fighting the kiddo.”

“I’ll have you know that you already use both of your hands, Todd,” Damian lowered his gaze as he said that, casting a rather haunting shadow over his eerie green eyes. He looked like he was ready to murder, which he practically was at any given moment really. The kid was far more dangerous than what he first came off as.

“Mhm, go ahead and believe that, little one,” Jason mumbled, putting his arms behind his head to position it higher up and maybe lie in a more comfortable position. Damian only sent him another glare before he turned back to read his book about the Russian revolution. Seriously, what normal kid reads about the damn Russian revolution? But then again Damian wasn’t a normal kid, so reading about that was nothing new.

The boys fell into silence again, the only sounds being the wind and the water splashing in the kiddie pool. It was pleasant, that was however until a loud shriek broke their comfortable silence, and Dick and Damian looked up to see Tim standing above Jason with a bucket in his hands. He was snickering at the enraged Jason, who was soaked in water.

“What the actual fuck, Tim?” Jason roared, reaching out to take the bucket from the younger’s hands, but failing miserably as Tim only took a step backwards and effectively avoiding the wrath of Jason Todd. “You little bitch. Get your ass over here!”

Dick and Damian shared a look, shrugged at each other before they turned back to what they were doing earlier. Jason was yelling profanities at Tim until he shut up in an instance - earning suspicion from the youngest of the bunch. Damian looked up from his book to see Tim standing over him, his shadow casting a dark figure, and before he could utter a single word, Tim had poured a bucket of water over him.

Damian blinked a few times as he looked from Tim to the now soaked book, his eyes wandering between his brother and his book hastily. “Drake, what the fuck? Why? What?” he seemed to be too confused to lash out at Tim like he probably would have done by now in any ‘normal’ setting. “You are ruining a perfect book? I am being an intellect? And you still attack me? What?”

A loud scream broke the two boys off, and they turned to see Dick scurrying off his chair. Jason was laughing loudly as he too was holding a bucket in his hands. Dick looked both confused and terrified where he lied in the grass, yet again spread out into a star position. He looked as if he was from some sort of cartoon, eyes wide and mouth open.

Tim laughed softly, dropping his own bucket to the ground. His laughter was rudely interrupted by a heavy book being thrown in his face, but he didn’t have the time to think over what was actually happening before he was tackled to the ground. The small gremlin also known as Damian Wayne was sitting on his stomach, glaring down at him with his devilish green eyes. The fact that Tim had poured a bucket of water over him seemed to have gotten to his head by now.

“You fucking asshole,” Damian growled lowly, like some sort of dog, as he bowed down. “You little fucking prick. I was sitting perfectly fine in the grass, reading about Lenin, and then you go and pour a bucket of water over me?” he went silent for a second before he burst out into a wide grin, getting Tim to point uncertain finger guns at him. “What the fuck were you thinking?” the younger yelled loudly, getting Tim to cringe at the ear deafening noise.

The weight on Tim’s body was lifted off him before he could respond however, as Jason had decided the yelling was enough and picked the small boy up. Tim thought it looked ridiculous the way Jason was standing with Damian in his hands as if he was Simba from The Lion King, and laughed a little before he got a hard kick in the face by Damian (or Simba).

“Asshole,” Tim muttered under his breath as he got up from the ground, earning another kick - but this time to the stomach and not face - by the demon spawn Damian Wayne. The two never stated they got along.

“Boys,” Dick said a little worriedly, and the three turned their attention towards their brother. “Let’s not fight here, okay? We have to be responsible and remain calm and nice. Bruce and the others let us stay here for this very instance because they believed in us. So we have to act like adults-"

“Dude, we weren’t allowed to go to the amusement park because they knew we were going to fuck things up,” Jason deadpanned, still holding Damian out at an arm's reach. “Alfred is still here to take care of us rebellious youngsters, so we’re not entirely alone. Don’t make us seem bigger than what we are.”

Dick gave Jason a bitter face, before he quickly turned the frown upside down and smiled brightly at them. “Well well, everyone in this family can’t be optimists, can we?” he was practically gleaming with happiness, and the other three gave him a suspicious look. Dick looked like some sort of anime character, which wasn’t supposed to be possible. But then again with Dick anything was practically possible.

Tim cleared his throat, earning the attention of his brothers. “Well then, what are we brothers supposed to do when everyone else are out having fun at an amusement park that I probably didn’t want to go to anyways because there would be a lot of people there and I am by no means a people person so I am content here.”

“We could kill you,” Damian muttered, still being held by Jason in the air. He looked incredibly bored, already having enough of the “who can hold Damian the longest with their arms stretched out" game. It was a real game they had invented, and Dick was currently the leader. Damian was never aboard the idea in the first place.

“That, my dear, is voted down upon,” Dick said cautiously, earning a glare from the younger. “We could however play something that I used to play when I was a lot younger called hide and seek.”

Like the uninterested youths they were, the other three only gave him a very dull look. Playing hide and seek in a big mansion, with a bunch of people who were all determined to win was not a good idea. Besides, they all knew Damian was going to win in the end anyways. He was the smallest and lightest of the bunch, effectively also making him rather silent. Jason hadn’t played hide and seek with them ever since he fell down those stairs.

“We could…” Jason started off slowly, getting the others to stare intensely at him. “Pretend I’m Donkey Kong so I can legally throw this kid at people?” he proposed, shaking Damian a little as if he was a doll.

“Jason, there’s no such thing as throwing kids at people legally,” Tim stated, as if the others didn’t already know that. “But if we’re talking about Damian I guess it couldn’t hurt too much.”

“Watch your mouth, Drake,” Damian warned him, squinting his eyes at him. “Otherwise I’ll have to throw you into a pit of snakes that will slowly but surely kill you, whether it’s by venom or suffocation. Or just beat you senseless, your choice.”

“Violence is never-"

“Yeah yeah, whatever, Dick,” Jason said, cracking his neck once, seemingly now getting tired of holding his younger brother. “Violence is sometimes the answer. I mean just think of all the wars people have fought and how many conflicts have ended because of that.”

“My point is not-"

“Our nation stands on war. We fight in war, we battle people more often than not, and yet, you do not condone violence. Fighting violence with violence must have been proven to be the most efficient way of getting people to stop beating the living shit out of each other, isn’t that right? Brother?”

“Jason just-"

“If we just joined together-"

“We get it, you suck!” Damian interrupted for the bazillionth time in his life, and somehow managed to kick Jason.

“No violence,” Dick hissed and reached out for his brother, only for Jason to walk backwards, away from him and Tim. “Hey, stop, you’ll hurt him. Jason,” he stepped closer towards him, only getting Jason to go even further back. For each step that Dick took forward, Jason took one backwards.

“You shall never catch me alive,” Jason announced, making Damian frown at the loud voice. He didn’t seem too pleased, and especially not when he heard Tim starting to laugh at the scene. There was nothing he could do however with Jason speed walking around with him in his arms while desperately trying to avoid Dick, who was not so subtly trying to get Jason to put him down just so his record wouldn’t be broken. It was a very serious game indeed.

“Come here!” Dick yelled, and started to rush after his younger brother. Jason immediately turned around and started to sprint around the big garden with Damian in his arms, who was not even trying to get out of the grip any longer.

On a short distance was Tim watching them, a small smile on his lips. It looked comical, and nothing like that would probably happen in a normal family. Because no normal family would have a game on who could hold the youngest in the family with their arms out stretched for an extended period of time. At least not what Tim knew of, but then again he didn’t have a lot of friends so he’d probably never know if others had that game as well. He hoped not.

The game - or whatever really - was rudely abrupted however as Damian was almost violently pulled out of Jason’s grip, and the young man gasped dramatically. He put a hand to his chest and looked up, only to see Bruce holding his son by his hoodie. The all too common Wayne Glare™ was prominent on his face, and both Jason and Dick were giving their father an apologetic look.

“Why is it that I can never leave you kids alone,” Bruce said, before turning around, son still in hand. He went inside, leaving the other three to stand in silence.

“That was totally a record.”

“No it wasn’t.”

And so did the bickering of the century start.


	2. Mario Kart and (Nerdy) Dating Websites

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short and shitty, just the way I like it

“Suck on that, Dick,” Jason said and grinned widely, earning a rather haunting glare from Dick. The two were playing Mario Kart, and for the seventh time in a row did Jason win. He was the Mario Kart champion, but Dick still felt like challenging him over and over again. His record was currently twelve points. No one stated he was good at the game.

Dick sighed and slouched down in the couch, frowning at the stupid results of Jason’s sixty points and his own eighth. Jason must have sold his soul to be able to win every time, he concluded. “Not entirely sure if you want me to suck a specific dick or if you just said my name.”

Sitting on the floor and leaning against the couch was Damian sitting, sketch book in his lap and pen working elegantly. He snickered a little at Dick’s remark, earning the attention of Jason, who threw his controller in Damian’s head like the lovely brother he was.

“Play with me, you shitty little kid,” he demanded, pointing a lazy but accusing finger at his younger brother. Damian didn’t seem to happy about getting a controller thrown in his head as he picked it up and threw it back at Jason, hitting him square on the nose.

“I told you kids, no fighting,” Dick warned them, both boys rolling their eyes at him. “Especially no throwing of controllers, didn’t that hurt you guys?” the two boys exchanged a look and shrugged, making Dick sigh. Of course that neither of them would confess, they were made of steel. Steel built with feathers (which made no absolute sense, but Dick thought it sounded poetic and usually described them that way).

Jason then returned back on playing Mario Kart by himself, Dick watching him with curious eyes. Maybe it just was that Birdo was a bad character, or that the Royal Racer was an awful car. Jason did drive with King Boo on the fucking Phantom, a bike that Jason stated overturned every other bike and car.

Dick would probably have believed him if it wasn’t for the fact that Damian stated that the small car Blue Falcon was the best, and Tim said that Dolphin Dasher was the best. Each and every one of them were good with their own signature vehicles, while Dick - who had pretty much tried every single character and vehicle - still sucked at the game. His best score was obtained with Birdo, and so he concluded it must be fate that he was to play with her. Maybe that wasn’t true however.

Eventually it got boring to watch Jason play as there was close to no action going. He was in the far lead, and he calmly kept on driving with the three banana peels behind his car and a green shell in his storage. So after having thrown a subtle glare over to his brother, Dick bowed down to look at whatever Damian was drawing.

“Turn back to the screen, Grayson,” Damian muttered and shielded his drawing with one of his hands, his small hand barely covering what was on the paper. “Otherwise I’ll have to shove my pen in your eyes so you can’t see no longer. Imagine what a cool hero that would be,” he looked up with a smug grin on his face, Dick giving him a slightly horrified look before he leaned back in the couch, fixating his eyes on the TV again.

“Sometimes I wonder if you were born because Satan had a bad week,” Jason suddenly said after a few minutes of silence, making Damian stop in his movements. Dick almost let out a small chuckle, but was quick to put on a poker face as he saw the little kid almost hauntingly turn around to face his brother. Even if it was both a very rude and unnecessary comment, the joke was rather fun, at least in Dick’s opinion.

“At least someone wanted me then,” Damian muttered and turned back to his drawing. Jason gasped dramatically and paused the game so he could put a hand to his chest, just like the drama queen he was.

Like the huge asshole he was as well however, Jason threw the controller in Damian’s head again, this time seemingly a lot harder as Damian cursed loudly at the impact. The game started itself again, with Jason cursing loudly as he saw the other competitors driving past him. Damian, being the asshole brother that he was as well, kicked the controller out of Jason’s reach, the older making some sort of strangling noise as he got up from the couch to get his controller.

Dick was watching the two interact with amusement across his face. Damian’s lack of communication skills would never cease to amaze him, while Jason’s everlasting anger and rage only fueled their fighting. There were multiple times that someone had to interfere - mostly Dick - as their fights usually got a lot more violent than between any of the other boys. Jason had once ended up losing to Damian - mostly thanks to Damian’s small figure - and then went to almost punch Alfred in the face.

Let’s just say that things didn’t end so well. He was a lot more powerful than what people took him for. Alfred, that being, not Jason.

“Holy smokes!” Dick looked up to see Tim standing in the doorway to the living-room, tablet pressed closely to his face. “You guys have no idea what I just discovered!” he started walking towards the boys, face so close to the screen that Dick was beginning to worry if he was hurting his eyes. “It’s truly amazing, revolutionarily ground breaking, it’s-”

“It’s porn, isn’t it?” Jason said between gritted teeth where he was trying to hold Damian down to the ground.

Tim’s face immediately went red and he stopped in his tracks, lifting his face from the screen. “Uh, no, Jason,” he mumbled and ran a hand through his messy bed head. “I do not engage in such hobbies that you do. I have nothing against you watching porn, but keep that in your pants, please.”

A short and sharp laughter erupted from Damian where he was lying underneath half of Jason’s body weight. He got an arm in the face for that, and before anyone knew it they were back to fighting again.

Tim glanced unimpressively at Dick, who merely sighed and shrugged. What was he supposed to do anyways? He knew that if he interfered he’d most likely get a controller in his face, and judging from the reactions from his brothers, that wasn’t the most pleasant thing in the world. Especially not when you were going against a tiger and a kitten.

“What were you about to say anyways?” Dick asked, gaining the attention of Tim again who seemed to take enjoyment out of Damian being tortured. What a sadist.

He cleared his throat and let his gaze fall upon the tablet in his hands again. “Well I found this nice little gathering place for young people like me, who also are nerds! Look here,” he walked over to where Dick was sitting, plopping down next to him. There was a hint of sweat radiating from him, and Dick took the wild guess to say that he hadn’t showered in forever. It just naturally happened for Tim to forget showering for two whole weeks. Like with any other teenager.

Tim showed Dick around a little on the page, all the while Jason was pretty much choking Damian on the floor. It wasn’t a pretty scene, but as Damian finally gave in and decided to lie lifeless on the floor, Jason slowly got up from him. It was kind of like taming an animal, he realized. Except for you don’t try to choke your animal, hopefully.

“Don’t kick someone lying on the ground,” Dick said and snapped with his fingers. Jason rolled his eyes, digging the tip of his foot into Damian’s waist one last time before the took the controller and sat down in the couch again. The race had already been finished, and Jason threw an angry glare over to his little brother, who only flipped him off. What a wonderful kid.

“Uh, Tim, I don’t think this is just a gathering site, or whatever you called it,” Dick said slowly, Tim looking up at him with a curious look on his face. “To the looks of it it’s a dating website, I mean look at this chat. The first thing the dude sent you was the little game emoji thing and then an eggplant. That’s like asking for Netflix and Chill but in a nerd language.”

Jason snorted on the other side of the couch, pausing the game to to look over Tim’s shoulder. “Yup that is totally a dating website, Timmy boy you literally have to enter what sort of gender you prefer, doesn’t that ring any bells?”

“I just thought that was to see who I wanted to befriend!” Tim was quick to defend, a red color rising on his face. How the hell was he supposed to know anyways? It didn’t outright say “this is a dating website” to him, so why would he even think that? He’d also searched for communities for nerds and such, and his natural instinct wasn’t to think every community was a dating website.

Damian had by now gotten up from the floor and moved onto the couch where Jason had previously been sitting, pen and sketchbook in his hands. “And I here I sat thinking you were the world’s second greatest detective.”

“I am!” Tim protested and lifted his eyes from the tablet to look somewhat desperately at Damian. “I’m the world’s second greatest detective, not the world’s second greatest person at finding out what a dating website looks like!”

“That did not have a good ring to it.”

“Shut up, Jason,” Tim said before getting up from the couch. “I can’t believe that this is a dating website. This is so embarrassing,” he turned around so he could face his brothers, desperation lacing his face. “You- you won’t say anything? Right?”

Dick shrugged. “Probably not. You are your own person, Tim.”

The young man looked down at his tablet again. “I can’t believe I fell for something like that, oh my god,” he then started to walk out of the living-room and out to the hall, continuously whispering on how stupid he was for letting himself fall for such a vicious plan. The whispering soon faded, and was abruptly cut off when a door slammed, presumably Tim’s bedroom door.

The three brothers sat in silence for a while, until Damian spoke up. “I’m not the only one thinking that he totally staged everything of this so he could get permission from someone to be on a dating website?”

“Nope.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will hopefully be written better and longer, can't say this is my proudest work but oh well


	3. The Two Absolute Best Robins Have A Nice Conversation In A Bathroom

“How’s it going down there?” Jason yelled loudly, looking down at his considerably shorter younger brother. Damian only glared up at him however, putting his toothbrush under the water before squirting out some toothpaste onto it. He was short but not that short, only about a foot and a half.

The two brothers were standing in the bathroom, the biggest and fanciest bathroom in the whole house. They’d woken up at approximately the same time, and since they pretty clearly were the two most violent family members they had a small brawl over who was going to use the bathroom, before deciding to share it instead. For that specific instance, neither of them were going to let the other get the bathroom the next time.

Jason put some (way too much really) toothpaste onto his own toothbrush and started to brush his teeth violently. He managed to get it onto both himself, the mirror and Damian, who sighed loudly. Couldn’t Jason possibly be a little more annoying? No?

“Stop,” Damian muttered tiredly, running a hand through his bed hair. Going to bed with hair gel in his hair always gave him some weird bed hair that Tim always laughed at. But then again if he didn’t have hair gel in it still looked weird - it was rather much a curse.

Jason ignored his little brother and continued to brush his teeth for a minute until he spat the paste out, wiping his mouth once before placing his toothbrush in his red mug. “When I was, a young boy, the joker, beat me up with a crowbar, and blew me the fuck up. He said “Jason, you will die, and Batman, no he won’t come and save you, because he is an ass.” He said-"

“Todd, why are you singing about your death in the tune of My Chemical Romance’s Welcome To The Black Parade,” Damian deadpanned, more stating it than asking. 

Jason looked down at him with big eyes, getting Damian to raise on one of his eyebrows. “What? Don’t you think I know who they are? We’ve all had our emo phases, only at different times and various degrees.”

“I’m proud of you, you little squirt,” Jason said and grinned widely as he ruffled around Damian’s hair, making it possibly even messier than before. “I’m still not over my emo phase even years later, it’s starting to get ridiculous.”

“Noticed,” Damian said, earning a harsh jab to his ribs by Jason. In turn, he choked on the mixture of toothpaste and spit in his mouth, quickly spitting it out into the sink and coughing loudly. Jason only thought it was fun though, and watched humorously as Damian coughed violently.

Being the wonderful older brother he was, Jason patted Damian on the back. He didn’t seem too accepting of the help however as he quickly swatted him away, earning a chuckle from the older. He always thought it was fun to torment his brothers, especially Damian, he had such extreme reactions.

“Fuck you,” Damian hissed after he’d recovered from his coughing fit. “I thought you and I had some sort of pact not to hit each other, but you seem to have broken it twice this morning.”

“You teamed up with Jon, which left me behind,” Jason explained, Damian rolling his eyes. It’s not like he and Jason had any sort of team, and neither did he and Jon either. Or well they did sort of, but Damian was never gonna admit that out loud, he had too much pride for something like that. Or too big of an ego, really.

“We’re not actually a team, we just happen to be the sons of two people who are good friends,” Damian explained as a matter of factly, rummaging through the cabinets. “We’re not friends, okay?” he finally seemed to find what he was looking for - a pincet.

“Say that once he hits puberty,” Jason muttered lowly, earning the exact reaction he was expecting - a harsh kick to his shin. It was a typical Damian move, and was usually followed by either a punch to the gut or a kick in the face. Another typical Damian movie was to kick someone in the face, he seemed to have found a liking to that move.

The two boys attempted to gussy up a little, Jason fixing his greasy and messy hair while Damian - for some ungodly reason - was fixing his eyebrows. Jason had the urge to ask who he was going to go on a date with but missed the opportunity as Cassandra walked in on the two, all three of them stopping in their actions.

“What are you two doing?” she then asked, giving them both a sour look. Apparently she thought she was early by getting up at 9 am. She was not.

“What the fuck does it look like?” Jason asked, earning a harsh glare from Cassandra. “I mean,” he cleared his throat, bursting out into a big smile and wrapping an arm around Damian’s small shoulders. “Dami and I are just getting ready for the big ball, which you are not allowed to go on - Cassanderella,” He sassily snapped his fingers, giving her a raised eyebrow.

She was not having any of his bullshit however, and without any care slammed the bathroom door shut. Like everyone else in their family, she was not a morning person whatsoever.

“Well that ended well,” Jason said and let go of his little brother, freeing him from his iron grip. “Would you go on a ball with me however? I mean I personally think I could totally rock a dress like what the fuck dude.”

“No,” Damian deadpanned, looking himself in the mirror before putting away the pincet and turning to Jason. Who in turn had to admit the little guy had done a surprisingly good job on his eyebrows, he’d anticipated a war zone. “I would never wear a dress, I think that walking around in normal clothes that guys my age wear is embarrassing in itself. I mean honest to god, what the hell.”

“The clothes were worse when I was a kid, little one,” Jason admitted, suddenly wondering if it was time to shower. It had gone a few days, and his hair was like a dead fish - both in smell and presentation.

“I know, all of you look horrendous,” Damian agreed, working his hands through his impossible hair. “I can at least stay joyful for not having grown up during that time. Those pants will never stop amusing me. Speaking of, do people still wear them as low?”

“You mean down to your ass?” Damian nodded, reluctantly. “I think so. I mean I don’t really know because I don’t actively go around and look at people’s asses. Unless they have a particular good looking one, then I must take a sneak. I saw this guy at the mall who I swear at some sort of plastic surgery done. I mean he looked a fuckin’ baboon.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Damian asked, turning to face Jason. As much as he could actually face the guy who was well more than a foot taller than him. Being short really didn’t have any perks, he was just ridiculed for it. It wasn’t like he was just a little shorter though, no no, he had to be as short as an average ten year old. He was like a little kid, for fucks sake.

Jason shrugged, not really knowing why. He just liked to ramble about everything and nothing in the morning. It was just a thing he did. Besides, he and Damian rarely had a conversation where it was only the two of them. It was always someone else there - usually Dick, everyone’s favorite sibling - to ‘disturb’ whatever they talked about. Usually it involved murder though, and not asses.

“Anyways,” Jason said and peeled his shirt off of him, throwing it to the floor. “Gonna take a nice shower. Care to join?” he winked flirtatiously, getting Damian’s eyes to widen.

“No?” he said, somewhat angry. “Dude, no. Just no, stop. I’m not a two year old who needs help to shower. I showered two days ago anyways, so no. Get away from me, perv.”

“No wait what,” Jason said, slightly confused. “I didn’t mean it incestiously - is that even a word - or in a pedophilic way. Just some brother love, can’t a big brother show some love to his younger one?”

“Todd, just shush,” Damian said, waving dismissively with his hand. “Just take your fucking shower, and don’t ever talk about the two of us and shower in the same sentence. Ever,” after giving Jason a sharp glare, he turned on his heel and walked out of the bathroom, leaving his brother behind.

Jason realised now as to why they rarely spoke to each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know they're not actually related but still. And I don't ship them no lmao they're just my favorite Robins aka I always like people no one else does aka always the unlikable ones

**Author's Note:**

> I am so not hilariously serious with this what am I doing


End file.
